I can't make a chapter of this, however I will tell you how going through these tough times could be very painful and could also affect people; me being one of them.
Now what i'm about to tell you would be...pretty unbelievable...but I used to be a little more sociable (and active) than how I am today. In real life, that is. Back in Elementary School, it felt like the core of the earth trying to burn me down instantly. No matter where I go, even in after school, people would start judging me, bullying me for being fat and ugly.
"Well, that doesn't sound too bad, right?" For me, it is. And I didn't even notice that the only reason of why they bully me was because they knew that I was too sweet-hearted and quiet that I wouldn't have a chance against them.
I know there was these two times that I remember; both of them involving my mother's old flip phone: one being that there was a mature picture on it that I didn't even notice was on it; the other being a girl who I assumed stole the battery to it.
The hell I was in kept going and going until 5th grade, when I now noticed they grew bored. Thank god they did, because after all those years, I couldn't take it. That's when I decided to fail each and every class to drop out of school; it seemed like the only way. But then at the same time I knew that my mom would be furious at me for failing class AND be expelled at the same time.
That's when my cognition came in. I see people as shadows who wanted to lure me back into the abyss. For me to be lost there, and for no where to run anymore. Negative thoughts runs through me, such as, "You shouldn't be here anymore" and "live longer and you'll be a disgrace to your whole family".
Most people would ignore them, but my heart was taking all of that in. A few weeks, later, I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore. Whenever you talk to them, you could feel that judgement coursing right to you. Also because I was afraid that people would bully me again.
It keeps happening even in 7th grade, when I almost committed suicide. My mom assumed that I was only trying to kill myself just because I didn't listen. Nope, not just that. The last quote 2 paragraphs before this one explains it; i'm a disgrace. I see the rest of the family, and they work through it all. And what do I do? Be a shut-in, playing games and watching television. Nothing I did to make my family happy. It took me a few days later to get my head straight. That's when I noticed: I don't want to die. My family would cry if I did. Sariah and Jaidyn would cry the most, though. Those two are like my BFFs (even though they're younger than me, but still owo). If I die, I wouldn't be able to see my little baby cushion (brother) be born.
So I went back home with my mother. I went back to school and nothing changed. The first thing that went into my head when going to school was "Ok, maybe I should've died". I was avoiding the students back then. Past issues here.
After 8th grade, I thought I failed as a daughter. My desired school, Arts High School, didn't accept me in (because I draw anime most of the time; but my friend's sketchbook got anime on it???). However, I chose a backup high school that I really am glad to be in: West Caldwell Tech. That name alone sounds like a school that belongs in the suburbs, right? Yeah, it actually is.
My cognition had still wanted me to drop out of school at the start, but it's started to gradually fade near the end of SophOmore year, when my uncle told me a valuable speech that would be ingrained in my head (I forgot some of the parts, though. Sorry if you see this, Uncle Russ ;w; ). After that, my head really took it in. I don't know what it had realized, but it does realize one thing that I know: to stop sulking and be ahead of the game. To don't let the burning torch scorch you until you're ash. To keep moving and look towards the future, not on the past.
Actually, if it hadn't been for my family and the friends that I made, I wouldn't be able to be here at all. And it's especially thanks to you guys. You are all so nice and precious to me; you're like my children ;w;
My hands trembled while I was typing this whole thing, too. I always wanted to have a chance to do this, but I've never found the courage to.
I'm still recovering from the after effects, though. Back into the "Fluttershy / Pinkie Pie" side of me ^-^. If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading the whole thing. It means a lot to me because that shows that you really do care about people.
Well, I gotta go to bed for school tomorrow. I bless and wish everyone a beautiful and graceful sleep upon the stars, and remember: Don't be astray from the fog. Always look forward to the light, even though it's dim (and yes, even though it's your cuddly little sibling lol) ^-^